Inner Realm

Seasons change, time passes by...

2010-01-24T04:15:00.001-08:00

Where have I been??

Reading over the past entries I made in my blog was pretty refreshing, it was nice to get in touch with some thoughts and memories from the near past. So I ask myself this grand question: Am I any happier than the last time I posted here (a little over a year ago)? My ultimate goal in life is to be happy, that I know. Have I come any closer to doing and being that happiness?

My answer is no, simply because when I ask myself that question, I do not immediately think "YES! I AM HAPPIER!" so I must not be. However, I am excited for the future. Even though I am taking a year off from school in between graduating with my undergraduate degree and getting into a graduate school, I am bubbling with excitement over the prospect of just being a person with a college degree. Now that I will have a degree (in music), for some reason, I feel like I can accomplish long-ranged goals that I have had for years. Most of these goals have absolutely nothing to do with music.

Did I really need a degree? DO I really need a degree? For me, I would guess yes, because it seems that I did not have the confidence to even think about my goals in aa positive manner until I got closer to finishing this degree program. I can look at this in two ways:

1. I have no confidence to achieve my long-term goals until I can tangibly observe some success in my life.
2. Finishing this degree is only the first in the real implementation of completing my long-term goals, musical or not.

I choose the latter because the former brings up issues of self-confidence and doubt. The second makes me feel good and only excites me about my future.

So now, even though I am almost finishing up with a huge project (college), I am at a crossroads between living a life that has been prepared for me by my family and my society, and beginning to create the life that I really and truly feel is my own. There are major, MAJOR differences between the two, and making life-changes is often scary...or exciting.

I choose excitement.

Happy Day!

2008-10-29T09:25:00.001-07:00

Ah! It's my older brother's birthday!!! Another year collected!

I'm not perfect

2008-10-29T09:19:00.000-07:00

So I have come to the realization that I, and my past, are all not candy and flowers. Of course, many people have told me many lies that would make me believe that everything is perfect and great, but those lies could not carry themselves out for the duration of my life. I look at myself, and I see a person who has not fulfilled all my hopes and wishes at this point, and can only blame it on myself. I have been lied to in the past, but I CHOSE to believe those lies. I knew they were lies, and I still accepted them as the truth because it was easier than facing the facts. Now I have to face those things I chose to ignore time and time again, and it is rough, but not for a useless purpose. I'm being a bit cryptic, but, details aren't really important. Details only exist as proof to a point, and above is the point.

It's really interesting to be old enough to see how things unfold on a long-term scale.

2008-06-08T06:17:00.001-07:00

The synchronicities are BACK!!!

technology...

2008-05-16T17:55:00.000-07:00

wi-fi is really really cool!

Life

2008-05-14T15:37:00.000-07:00

It's funny how life seems to get more and more crazy with every passing day. It's funny how we don't think we know the future.

Spit in my face

2008-05-02T13:23:00.001-07:00

She LIES!!!!!!!

The worst is over

2008-04-21T07:53:00.000-07:00

So this is a crazy chart I read (for myself) this morning. I was wondering if I could use optimism and energy and excitement and a general good mood to my fullest to advance in life, and to spread optimism around, and the chart casted for the time was astounding. 21 April 2008 10:25E.T. (LB, NJ)

Ascendant Cancer shows the querent (myself) in an emotional state (Cancer ruled by the moon), which is correct, since the question does have to do with an emotional nature. Moon is in Scorpio (not good!), but it is NOT "via combusta," it's actually just leaving that turbulent section of the sky (with less than a distance away from that part of the chart), showing a very very very difficult time that has just passed. Even though the moon is in Scorpio which is not the best, it is applying to a trine to Mars, which is coincidentally riding the ascendant in the Moon's sign. Mars on the ascendant and in Cancer (emotions and stuff) giving a mutual reception between Mars and the Moon (with an added bonus, the applying trine aspecting). This trine is adding the energy to the moon (but quite an fiery emotional energy). Mars is a malefic, but it is only helping here from what I can see. I haven't even gotten to the moon's placement by house. It's right on the cusp of the fifth house (house of joys, pleasures, creativity), which shows more specifically what I was wondering, as (to me) the fifth house applies directly to my musical pursuits. With the moon just leaving via combusta AND on the cusp of the fifth house shows that my question is shown in the chart down to specifics (this is a good thing), and it doesn't look too bad.

It's also noted that the moon is part of a grand trine with Uranus and Mars. Uranus is sextile to Jupiter, and Mars is opposite Jupiter....these are all aspects I have by birth. This chart is basically saying "Hey, this is YOU!" It's amazing.

There is a wealth of other information in this chart (Definitely the best and easiest one I've ever casted/read). The fifth house is ruled by Mars, which is on the ascendant, which shows me in a creative and positive state by way of mutual reception and trine (me doing my music stuff, giving and receiving optimism).
The 10th house (career type stuff) is also ruled by Mars in this chart, and with Mars on the ascendant this is all showing that I have the possibility to make creativity and my career the same thing (for me this would be music), and the optimism can be used to not only improve my life and that of others around me in some way, but it can also improve my career and creativity....which in this chart it's all the same thing!
The 11th house (objective goals and friends), which is where I have the Sun, Mercury and Mars conjunct in my natal chart, is ruled by Venus, which is in the 10th house (something else I have natally). This shows a trait noticeable in my natal chart. This means that I will be on the giving and receiving end of help by way of others (particularly friends and associates, co-workers, ect.), which will help my career, creativity, and general life. Of course, this is all in the future (but not so far away, in fact, by looking at this chart, I could possibly see things changing in days or a short number of weeks...ooooo!).
The Sun is also in the 10th house here {I'm not too sure on how to interpret the Sun's placement for this chart, BUT I do know that it is} showing me (Leo) in a high state (approaching Midheaven, the highest point of the sky)...the kind of high state denoting success!

I ended up asking the question at the perfect time, just as I was wondering strongly about the issue (which is the best and only time to ask horary questions), and the Moon just leaving via combusta and the ascendant being less than 3 degrees (24 degrees cancer) from making the the whole chart invalid only further makes all my predictions more accurate.

All in all, this chart gives a clear cut answer to my question: Yes! Yes! Yes! The worst is over, and it is only going to shoot off from here!

...but then again, I'm no expert ;)

2008-04-12T05:39:00.001-07:00

I'm starting a symphony.

Score update

2008-04-09T07:02:00.001-07:00

So apparently, my score making skills are not complete yet. While it is getting better, the individual notes are still a little difficult to see from a conductor's podium (what a funny looking word, "podium"). My current life mission (along with the other 276927682 life missions) is to resolve this. :)

Sleep vs. Awake

2008-04-04T12:44:00.000-07:00

I spend about one-third of every day asleep. For every day of my life. Being 22 (and a half) years old, that's about 7.5 years asleep. I have spent 7.5 years asleep. 7.5 YEARS! ASLEEP! I find that fact fascinating, but what I find even more fascinating is what I've done with all the energy it took 7 and a half years to gain....day by day...

The whole dream

2008-03-30T15:08:00.000-07:00

I was riding a bike in an alley at nighttime. I was actually driving before (to Jeremy's) but I had went too far down Eatontown Road, and was in some really shady looking ghetto that does not exist....on Eatontown Road. I was like "time to get the hell outta here," and tried to do a 180, but the car skidded, so I ended up making a left, and going further into this neighborhood. Now I'm on the bike, going down the alley. And dead ahead was a small gang of people walking towards a dumpster. I get up closer to them on my bike, and try to go around the other side of the dumpster, but it was against a building and I could not go around. So I had to pass by these gangsters. I was getting scared, and pretty tense, it looked like they were up to no good (and I have a habit of being accosted by gangs of people in my dream), so I was getting scared. As I pass them on the bike, they somehow whip out a HUGE HUGE HUGE HUGE link chain, and whip it around in the air (as a group effort), and HIT ME WITH THE CHAIN! They hit me so hard that I was just shocked. Not feeling any pain was probably where I remembered that I was dreaming. So I'm looking at these guys wondering if they want my money or something...and I say to myself. "Wait. This is MY Dream. No way is it gonna go down like this." And then I somehow took the chain from them, and proceeded to swing this chain around so beautifully and gracefully, that I kicked all of these guys' butts!!! I either had my eyes closed, or was not looking at them, but as I hit them, they were flying back (kinda like a children's cartoon, or Power Rangers or something), and as quickly as I began the attack, it was over. I was very happy. No way they were going to hit me in my dream. Then after that was when I did some super-ninja pose, and from my hands came an orb (I cannot remember the color, but my impression now that I am awake was that it was RED. I moved my hands and arms in a large circle so that the orb was around me. And then, in a HUGE BOOMING VOICE that I am familiar with, I heard (or said) THE ORB IS WITHIN YOU! while posed like some super-ninja. It was a totally cheesy end, but also very empowering, as this was a lucid dream.

End of a Lucid Dream

2008-03-30T15:05:00.000-07:00

THE ORB IS WITHIN YOU (ME)

Oh Loiza...

2008-03-29T17:03:00.000-07:00

Talked to Paul on the phone for a while today, haven't talked to him in years, so it was really nice. He moved to Puerto Rico all by himself, unfortunately in a town where things are not so safe, so his safety will be in my thoughts (mucho) from here on out. We are both having hard times right now, but [we're both] happy to be alive, and are rolling with the punches. He says he plans on coming back to the U.S. in about two years, maybe I will visit him this summer...

YESSS!!!!

2008-03-24T20:12:00.000-07:00

It's the start of a new life!!!! I finally learned how to make a proper, (almost) professional looking score!!! Skip says he's never seen anyone so excited to make a page of music look good, but this is my LIFE! Now I can make music sound AND look good....all I have to do is make it TASTE AND SMELL AND FEEL GOOD!! Then will come the musical orgasm! MURHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! :O I would post a page of the orchestra piece (Silver Lining) I so made look good, but I haven't managed to learn how to save it as a picture yet...I'll get there, so help me.....

Also I am on the way to setting up a music myspace with much music on it...I just have to edit/clip the files, get more in the recording studio at school....Can't wait until that page is made....Then comes my own WEBSITE!! MURHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Constants

2008-03-21T17:12:00.000-07:00

I am Durell
I love the moon
I love to read
I love music

Today!

2008-03-03T17:23:00.001-08:00

WHAT A GREAT DAY!!

Finally

2008-01-16T20:57:00.001-08:00

After 22 years of breathing, I feel like I know what it is to be a composer.

LIFE WORK

Not two minutes after the brownie post...

2007-12-30T08:53:00.001-08:00

So I guess noticing "Brownies in the corner of my eye" begins.

Yesterday, I was looking for a safety pin. I know I usually have one that I keep in my wallet. Couldn't find it in my wallet. Couldn't find it around my room.

I have two work name tags. There was some gunk in between two parts of my keyboard, and I couldn't get it out with anything smaller than a safety pin or a paper clip.

So after I searched for a few minutes, I used the pin from my work name tag. I was just happy that I found a way to get around not having the safety pin then.

Fast forward to a few minutes ago. I just finished typing the last blog, and I stand up to take a shower and get ready for work. The name tag was sitting on the
table by my computer right where I left it yesterday. Sitting on top of it was a safety pin.

??

Das Brownie

2007-12-30T08:40:00.000-08:00

I love brownies, and there was a box of brownies in the kitchen. I got a brownie from the box, did a few things, went to my room did a few things, and went back to the kitchen for a glass of water, and then I saw the brownie box again, but there was a brownie missing. I thought "didn't I take a brownie?" The answer was "yes" but I didn't eat the brownie. I was truly confused. I turned around and got the glass of water. I drank the glass of water. I was leaving the kitchen when there was a brownie sitting on the counter. Ah! I put it there. Now it all makes sense, I completely forgot I put it there!

I went back to the brownie box, turned around to face the counter where the brownie was, and walked towards the fridge, where the water was. Walking toward the fridge, I could see the brownie sitting on the counter in the lower right corner of my eye!!!! And I missed it at least twice!

Its just a brownie, but for some reason, I realized then how easy it is to miss things staring at you right in the face. Today, I will try to keep a lookout for "Brownies in the corner of my eye."

Phi-go

2007-12-17T23:52:00.000-08:00

Us humans like to know EVERYTHING....so here is Phi represented to 20,000 past the decimal....

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Say Cheese!!

2007-12-17T05:07:00.000-08:00

Composers never smile in their pictures.
Neither do black people.

I will never smile again.

A beautiful road

2007-12-15T19:34:00.000-08:00

I spent a total of 3 hours of my life in New Hampshire. It was about 2 or 3 years ago, in the summertime. I was walking alongside a road, with not too many cars. It was absolutely beautiful. The trees were large, and the leaves formed a canopy, the sunlight danced on the ground in between the leaves. I came to a fork in the road, a big 18-wheeler truck rolled by. There was an old house on the left side of the fork. I remember there were some people sitting out on the old porch of this old house chatting and drinking. The weather was most perfect. I went off to the right, and was on another road completely enveloped by trees. After about 20 minutes of walking, I came up on another house. There was a guy sitting outside talking on the phone. He waved to me. I waved back. I could smell the fresh air made by the trees. It was invigorating and empowering. I kept walking. Eventually, alongside the road a path started to form in the trees. I took the path, which was elevated about 10 feet alongside the road. Now I was even closer into the trees. I sat down and rested for a minute. I was very tired from walking. I could not believe the beauty of this road surrounding me. I felt truly lucky to have been there. It was one of the most serene and peaceful times of my life.

Uranus!

2007-12-15T18:57:00.000-08:00

Not only is the planet Uranus one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen (only in pictures....shoot!), but it's also totally WaCkY!!!!!

Scientist believe that Uranus is composed of many of the same elements as Earth, but instead it is mostly gaseous except for it's molten core.

It's turned COMPLETELY ON IT'S SIDE!! ALMOST 98 DEGREES!!! The ecliptic of Uranus is parallel to the Sun, whereas the rest of the planets is perpendicular...another stumping fact about this shocking planet! Because of it's parallel ecliptic, noone is sure which is the North Pole and South Pole. This also causes for EXTREME SUMMER AND WINTER! It is daytime and summer for about 40 YEARS! And it is nighttime and winter for just as long! And the temperature isn't mild there either.

It is truly amazing how Uranus exists in our solar system. It defies laws of the physical world based from our solar system, the Earth, and what we humans have learned thus far. There is a lesson inherent in Uranus. It is the bold, daring, individual of the solar system, true proof of supreme being.

The trees

2007-12-13T16:40:00.000-08:00

...I remember looking to my left and right and seeing beautiful trees and flowers, all that this man in front of me cultivated. These were more beautiful than the last time though. I'm pretty sure they changed, instead of growing.

"Why are the trees different now?" I asked the groundskeeper
"It doesn't matter," replied the man, "I just tend to them as they need."

Simply amazing.

Taking responsibility

2007-12-11T09:19:00.000-08:00

It is easy to fall into the mindset of thinking that life is the creation of others rather than self. Many people may say:

"I have to work overtime because my boss made me"
"I can't go out because I have to do homework."

This is all well and fine, but our hypothetical person is not working overtime because they are forced to by their boss. They chose to work overtime by accepting the job given to them and accepting to succumb to their boss' wish to work overtime, whether choosing not to succumb may present the ultimatum of being fired. They chose to not go out by enrolling in school and having homework given to them.

When I was a child I would say something to my brother along the lines of "I had to do this, I had no choice," and his reply to me would be "No one held a gun to your head and made you do it!" He was absolutely right.

In order to accept subjective reality, one must accept responsibility for all facets of life in which they live. If one is poor or disabled, it must be accepted as results of their own intention. Subjective reality, again, states that we control our world and all that we sense. If we are to live in this world by such claims, we must accept complete responsibility.

All I own,
All i know,
All I am,
Is of me.

Two Situations

2007-12-10T06:40:00.000-08:00

The ideas of intention manifestation tie in closely with subjective reality, the claim that we, as humans create the world we live in, as a product of our will and intention. It's a little confusing, but a few examples can clear up these two ideas.

I have a small television in my bedroom that sits on my dresser directly across from my bed. It's great because I can watch the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air as I go to sleep, or while I'm doing homework on my bed. The television is indeed an object that exists in this world. It is a 3-dimensional box that I see everyday and it is real to me. The history of how I acquired this television points to the concepts of intention manifestation and subjective reality.

I actually never had my own television, I wasn't allowed to have one in my room when I lived at home, so after having a few roommates in college, I discovered the joy of watching TV in bed (maybe not the the best thing to have, but still nice). I had spent 18-20 years creating the reality of not having a television in the room where I sleep, so only when I step into someone else's reality (a.k.a. sharing a room with someone else) does the idea of having a television in the room come in. So now that I can watch television in my bedroom, I find I like the noise as a background distraction sometimes, and I started thinking how nice it would be if I had my own television. If we apply all of this to the two new terms, what I am doing, simply, is setting an intention to own a television, whether knowingly or not. Intentions are best set when the person setting the intention lives as if what they intend is already accomplished, (i.e. if i wanted 1 billion dollars, I need to start living like a billionaire). Coincidentally, I started unconsciously setting the intention of owning my own television when I started living with people who owned televisions. At this point, I am living out my intention. Last Christmas, I return home to visit my father. Over the holiday break, he decided to get satellite television, and installed a cable box in the living room, his bedroom and *gasp* my bedrooom! Even though I had never mentioned the want of my own television! Hi-ho, that's all fine, I don't really live at home, there's a television and cable in my bedroom that I am not around to watch. I visit a good friend of mine, and his parents had a bag o' Christmas for me! I was very appreciative. They said that they wanted to get me *gasp* a television with a DVD player, but my friend told them that he had an extra one that I could just take with me....So now I own a TV with a DVD player, and if I go home to visit father, I have a TV with satellite cable in my bedroom. And I told noone that I wanted a television of my own.

The television situation here is a classic example of intention manifestation. Manifesting ties in directly to the concepts of subjective reality. Subjective reality states that I created the television I now have as the result of my intentions. This concept applies to the whole of life. According to the principles of subjective reality, we created this world as the result of individual and collective group intentions. The computer on which I type this blog exists because at one point I set the intention of owning this computer. Now, I own this computer.

I used to smoke cigarettes. I tried to quit many times. After I would finish the last cigarette in a pack, I would throw away the container and begin to live my life as "I don't smoke cigarettes." In my head I would repeat this to myself, but I also noticed all the times I would normally have one. If I was driving, or walking to class I would think "Man, this is right when I would light one up..." 5 minutes later, I'm on my way to the nearest store to pick up a pack o' Reds, and the next day, when it was gone, the cycle would renew itself. It wasn't until I realized that those aforementioned thoughts were intentions that I was creating into reality. I had to completely remove the thoughts of being a smoker from my life, and I would quit smoking. One day, I realized I hadn't thought about cigarettes, whether smoking one or not, for about 3 days! I then realized that I hadn't smoked one for about the same amount of time! I had completely removed the idea from my life and mind, and therefore, they ceased to exist in my world. I had "un-created" cigarettes!

This may sound simple, but learning to purposely set an intention and realizing the world as a product of self-creation is a very powerful thought with very powerful undertones. I've spent the last 22 years living and thinking of life as a human, that would probably be very difficult for me to "un-create." But if I lived my entire life as a person who could not walk, I surely would not be able to. My brain would have set thus intentions and my body would have to follow, since my brain creates my reality.

This is why it is important to be aware of thoughts and learn to control them; action follows thought. If all negative thought is removed, life suddenly sheds itself of all negativity. I am not an accountant because I never once thought of myself as being an accountant. If I started setting such intentions, I might start realizing I know a few accountants, start talking with them about their lives as accountants. Maybe get some training or start a hobby having to do with accounting, and so on. This is where action comes into play. The actions produced by intentions are the fibers of our (subjective) reality. If I intend to be an accountant, it is not likely that someone is going to pound down my front door begging me to be their accountant, because I have no skills as one! This is why the action from intention is most important!

If one becomes consciously aware of the thoughts that pass through the mind on surface level, and the subconscious level, one can suddenly become consciously aware of the latent powers to change the(ir) world.